I know it is easier said than done and it takes effort from both sides (I am talking about romantic relationships here).
Intimite longlasting relationships are the best mirror for our own core wounding. Nobody can trigger the sh*t out of us as our initmate partners, right? Well maybe our parents. And yes, that’s exactly it.
Often we subconsiously attract what we need in order to heal. People who have had violent parents often attract a violent partner. Someone who has been rejected or neglected as a child probably has a partner that doesn’t care too much about the relationship.
If your parents never believed in you, you might have a partner who is not supporting your dreams.
This is actually really great because these relationships make the unconscious patterns within us visible.
There are two things I want to mention:
One: subconsciously a dysregulated nervous system attracts another dysregulated nervous system
Two: No matter who you are with, if you are dysregulated, you will never feel safe or loved or connected and project these feelings onto the outside world around you and espescially to your partner.
And now, here I come again with my nervous system blabla :D
Because the state of your nervous system determins whether or not you will be able to have a harmonious relationship.
If you have a disregulated nervous system due to trauma or unresolved emotions, you are more likely to either blow up, run away or go into shut down (withdrawal) when a conflict arises. Maybe you even have a mix of these reactions. The more dysregulated the nervous system, the more likely you are to have relationships that are dysfunctional or even toxic.
Conflicts in our relationships create a certain fear in us, not being loved, not being seen and heard, being wrong, not being enough, being rejected, not worthy and so on.
In such a situation of „threat“ the nervous system gets activated and tells you how to react in order to „survive“ this situation. Your fight flight, freeze or shutdown response is kicking in.
Only afterwards, when we are not triggered anymore, we can reason about what has happened and how we would have loved to react.
So working with balancing techniques to regulate the nervous system is really important if we want to live a happier life emotionally, mentally amd physically.
When your vagus nerve is toned, it will take much longer for the „survival mode“ to kick in. You will be able to stay open instead of withdrawing or becoming angry. Someone who feels loved, safe and at home, is managing conflict with more peace and balance.